State Of Love And Trust.... (chupiwa) wrote,
State Of Love And Trust....

"I'm going away to spain when i get my money saved..."

....what exactly has stolen my joy?

my love of things greater than me has evaporated like alcohol on a barroom floor.

and i have become disaffected again while uncomfortably numb. i am about to embark on a mandated month-long summer vacation with little, if any, fanfare.


i take comfort into singing songs aloud with my little iPod by the wayside....

taking trains across Tokyo, the Yamanote Loop into stagnant heartache, i sit there waiting for my stop wishing my life was a Murikami novel instead.

i float through Shibuya and Harajuku on a hot afternoon nameless and lacking identity. drifting through a crowd of fashionistas and tastemakers i wonder how much more time i have to kill in Ibaraki prefecture before i can live again.

i stand bravely in the face of emotional and financial debt to more than one individual or institution.

but knowing that it will never end.

the gnawing sensation that i just don't know...

i just don`t know what to do about it.

but jane says.

that she has never been in love.

and listening to that song about it

thinking about


i am still thinking about


i'm going away.

i will get on that silver bird and fly away to

where i can get

my head straight


wonder why i wander

around so



watching New Zealand dramas, avoiding exercise, gorging on pineapple, death by Skype?

Paronychia infections, saltwater, bento boxes, fighting fruit flies on a daily basis....

studying Japanese, text messages in Spanish, teaching English, missing Korean food oh so full of flavor.

hands not held, lips not met, hips not swung, necks not caressed.

i heard my cousin got the fever for a flavor.

but i am the Black Sheep of the the extended family

with my own Addiction.

fantasy films, roots reggae, Doc Martens, fish & chips

these are a few of my favorite things.

and yet.

its so difficult to

share them.

espouse them.

involve them.

metaphors for different women in different times in my different lives.

i feel like i have used these lives all up

in an attempt to

to find

my own


rambling incoherently yet sober as ever.

i picked a bad time to curb my drinking.


i miss driving cars and seeing shows.

feeling of wind in my hair and high-fiving friends in the first few rows.

the excitement in the air and the sense of union.

all singing.

out of frustration.

out of passion.

out of not enough.

so we are all singing.

i can see it in their eyes.

the love of things greater than themselves...

i miss that post-modern love.
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