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so..i decided to start writing a novel.
yes, i actually wrote the first paragraph already.
whether out of a cynical heart to contribute art..or to just put something out there that will never seen a publisher's crammed deskspace.
i have seen far too many beautiful and violent things to not put pen to paper. Maybe its the fire and smoke from the recent Bangkok riots that have stirred a change within my reluctant insides. Perhaps its these lonesome nights as a midnight migrant in Tokyo that begs me to unlock these frantic thoughts into the third person.
semi-autobiographical bipolar nonsense.
i am my father's son. i am no one.
simultaneously screwing himself over.
an ESL cowboy singing Joe Strummer songs as this insignificant life plods on.
a one-man chorus of the Ameriasian blues.
i serenade in Mestizo songs of love lost and money squandered on live music.
someday I will see both Bali and Ho Chi Minh before Christmastime.
meanwhile
i will go Straight to Hell, boys and girls...
"Can you really cough it up loud and strong?
The immigrants
They want to sing all night long
It could be anywhere
Most likely could be any frontier
Any hemisphere
No man's land and there ain't no asylum here
King Solomon, he never lived around here"
R.I.P. Joe Strummer
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i am not alone in Kyoto.
its raining hailstones as flakes...
yet
friends from far away give me warmth like an old affectionate scarf. i just cannot see the threads laid bare are the ties that bind.
i often miss people not places.
and i should gone to New Zealand earlier in life. Mick & Kellie Ann are sorely missed.
Rebecca and Katsumi are but exalted queens among my female friends and i can only value them so much more these days.. i miss them as much i miss being in Brooklyn..and the city lights that blanket me with that knowing sense of deep, rich nostalgia....
*******************
so many French people i have met on this trip, as well as Aussies...i really need to travel more outside of Japan.
i wander around Kyoto quite like a gaijin ghost...unsure of himself but feeling the zeitgeist of the time...
the spirit of adventure..and child-like wonder of seeing new and strange places..
how often we become cynical and jaded when life gets in the way of our plans..we forget to step back, breathe in deeply..and explore new countries..
for i am an island
of a
boy
and i often
miscommunicate
what i truly
want to say
about
who i
am
and not
what others
tell me
for people
are strange
animals
never meant
to be tamed just
misunderstood
i have had to write a whole
new map
of the human heart
this year.
so believe in
me
as i believe
in you....
i can only go forward from here
in an exquisite way
a deep, meaningful journey
inside of myself
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mi amor está en los tiempos del cólera ... este dolor es insoportable .. quien sabía que todavía podría perjudicar tanto ...
*******************************
Goodnight
How can you sleep?
How can you sleep through this?
What are your thoughts as you turn to dream?
I wouldn't know
I never look
These things are hard
These things can hurt
All of the secrets
Nobody needs to know
How does it feel?
Falling asleep so hard
How could ask?
How could I say the things I need to?
You'd go away
Goodnight
Memory must fill you with love
Positive days
Positive years
Older than lonely
Older than old
There's only minutes, minutes to go
You have to feel this
You have to cry
I can go on
I can deny
This stuff, it hurts
Always it will
Now I can ask
Now I can say
The things I need to
You've gone away
Goodnight
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Monday, February 22nd, 2010
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*********************************
"I filled the bucket
I spilled the bucket
Out on the floor
A mistake for sure
Consequences
Turned me hostile
I got so tied in
Made me docile
Then you applauded
When I was loving
Made me feel weak and
I start recovering
Now I feel silly
Selfish and dizzy
Now I got this feeling
That you'll forgive me
And you know
Oh my God just please don't ever let me go
Yeah sometimes we're high and sometimes we're low
Put up with me then I'll make you see
That things are better when you're with me
Ooohhh
Ooo there was the night we
Kissed in the moonlight
It was romantic
But didn't feel so right
Cause something was lost then
Today its replenished
But it was you who cleaned up my messes
And ohh
Oh my God just please don't ever let me go
Yeah sometimes we're high and sometimes we're low
Put up with me then I'll make you see
That things are better when you're with me
Let down your hair
Let down your hair
Rapunzel Rapunzel
Let down your hair x 4
Ooohhhh
And ohhhh
My God just please don't ever let me go
Yeah sometimes we're high and sometimes we're low
That's just the way that things turn out
Whenever I'm lonely I'll shout out
Let down your hair
Let down your hair
Rapunzel Rapunzel
Let down your hair x 4
Oh but I don't wanna know
Where you go
And I don't want to see
That you're coming along with me
And I don't wanna go
Wherever you go
I want the two of us to be
Just where we know
I don't want to know
Everything you know
And I don't wanna see
Everything you see
And I don't wanna go
Oh wherever you go
Oh ohhh ohh no
Oh no ohh no
Oh no"
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Sunday, February 7th, 2010
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Things in life lately remind me of this random story i read once but i don't remember all of it, so i freely interpreted it in my own personal way
so this is a story....
....where a husband is having trouble relating to his wife. She seeks understanding and advice from a close friend who happens to be a older, blind man to whom the husband has no acquaintance with. There is no speculation of adultery, the blind man is more of a big brother or a father figure to her. In his vulnerability and curiosity, the husband seeks to understand this unique friendship in the hope it will give him answers to save his marriage.
Yet, her close friend lives so far away. She misses him dearly and corresponds by mailing out weekly audio tapes of recorded conversation since he is blind. This creates a dialogue between them. He records his response and they keep this exchange of ideas going through the postal service for quite some time. The husband listens intently to each conversation from across the room, while his wife is playing the friend's messages in her outdated tape recorder. She drinks her Irish coffee and sighs while smoking her cheap cigarettes.
In her loneliness, the troubled wife invites her blind friend for a brief visit to her home. The husband is in clear anticipation to meet this blind man who has befriended his wife. There is no malice in his heart, only a void of not knowing where the next day will take him being married to someone who is so cold to his affections.
Upon the blind man's arrival to the home, the wife decides to buy some things to prepare a homemade dinner for the three of them. She promptly asks the husband to keep her friend company while she goes to the market. The husband sits down in the den with him, not saying much in a few span of minutes except to offer him a drink. An awkward silence hangs in the air between them for quite some time. Just exactly what is he is supposed to talk about with his guest is unclear to him.
The blind man quietly takes out a small pouch and begins to roll a marijuana cigarette. He promptly offers it to the husband and rolls one for himself. They begin to smoke in silence. The air is soon filled with simple laughter devoid of suspicion....
....ummmm that's about all i remember, i extrapolated a little bit here and there of course. Yet, the story is mostly intact. Whether the husbands understands his wife finally is not known. He has, however, made a new friend in the blind man and that makes the story important i guess. The blind man is clearly friendly despite his ailment. He also harbors a lack of bitterness despite his station in life. He also "sees" things as they are with a different pair of "eyes". Things like life, sexuality, love, happiness, people, situations, and music. Maybe the husband was the one who was truly blind and that's why he could not be intimate with his wife. She grew apart from him, but she remained faithful anyway. Perhaps she really did love him through her sadness and gained insight from the wisdom of the blind man. They were a childless couple and the wife not communicating with him or being affectionate was probably a direct factor. She would not want a child with someone she does not relate with.
....i guess i feel like the husband in this story sometimes....
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Sunday, January 31st, 2010
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I told you....
I would come and see you…
and I tried to….
but I wore out my new shoes....
too soon…
I waited….
but you never made it….
same old…
oh...it’s the same old story….
i know it well…
I know it well….
Well..i am sorry I intended to…
Well..i am sorry I believed in you…oh..oh.oh..oh..oh...ohhhh…
And maybe I am a little scared….
Oh maybe, but it’s still not fair….. oh x 6
And out of …you know when you came here
And I thought it...
it would be 5 more years.
‘til you showed…
shows you were in doubt..
you don't really know me…
this poor heart
must have been in hiding
I know too well…
Oh…too well
Well..i am sorry I intended to…
Well..i am sorry I believed in you… oh x 6
And maybe I am a little scared….
Oh maybe, but it’s still not fair….. oh x 6
oh x 6
sounds from here
its you and me
oh..oh.oh..oh..oh...ohhhh…
a kiss on the cheek
or maybe…up on the lips..
Well..i am sorry I intended to…
Well..i am sorry I believed in you… oh x 6
And maybe I am a little scared….
Oh baby, but it’s still not fair….. oh x 6
Well maybe I intended to….
….. oh..oh.oh..oh..oh...ohhhh…
You: Oh sorry I expected you…
Me: And maybe I am a little scared
You: Oh baby, but my heart’s still there
Me: Well..i am sorry I intended to…
You: Well..i am sorry I believed in you…oh..oh.oh..oh..oh...ohhhh…
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Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
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"And wherever you've gone, and wherever we might go
It don't seem fair - today just disappeared
Your lights reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones - your light made us stars...
With heavy breath awakened regrets
Back pages and days alone that could have been spent
Together, but we were...miles apart
Every inch between us becomes light years now
No time to be void or save up on life
Fuck, you gotta spend it all..."
****************************************
i just woke up....
my brother Carlos
called me this morning
to tell me that my grandma Isabella died....
she was my dad's mom.
i cried upon
hearing the
news..
i did not even cry
when my mom's dad
died when we were
in Bangkok together...
i should have never went to Nan
because i could not process
the loss
while at the same time
i was losing you
she was the only
grandparent
i ever knew
and talked to..
a beautiful
old soul
with rough-hewn hands
of a long life
working-class hands
that always took mine
into hers
her life was with
a husband that i
never knew
and who mistreated
my father
yet she had such
a way about her!
her eyes spoke of things
that i have never seen
and will have to come to
understand
she had a deep
husky voice
that betrayed the
frailty of
her wheelchair
she lived quite a long life
almost one hundred years...
but she was in such
pain
bedridden
and
not lucid
as these tears
roll down
i know she is in
a better place...
***********************************
i do not feel
like being at
work
i want to get
drunk
and listen
to sad songs
from her country...
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Wednesday, January 13th, 2010
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Man I got to get outta this town,
i..just need... to get her out of my head.
Windows down
but now the door is closed to her room...
i remember when she would climb into my bed at night
necks caressed amid Bangkok moonlight
Rainstorm come soon and the memories are gone....
..like tears in rain...
so now i have to take risks
and my own will comes to a test
the Clash said it best when
Career opportunities are the ones
that never knock
..But once i leave this town called
Malice
I won't be back..
i'll burn our clothes and our photographs..
They won't find us out
and our torn love
amongst the ruins
I haul along my battered
beat-up suitcase...
oh..ohhh...get me out
and Along the way I'll let the radio play...
and so then this is what its like
When you run away...oh..ohhh...
I won't stop ...until I find it...
The Other side Of paradise
....
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Monday, January 11th, 2010
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Friday, December 25th, 2009
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…words often left unsaid.
Prolonging the pain enough just to feel something for once. If everything is not so epic will life be just a series of mundane episodes one after another?
I am not sure if I can bear this much longer.
Adulthood creeps in ever so unceremoniously and I am not getting any younger.
I am simply too old for this Mickey Mouse bullshit…..
Buses to Bangkok but all I can think about are wheat fields with crows. Youth is passing me by. All I do is shove my fist against my teeth to stifle a scream born out of a knowing sense that certain things may not actually improve my lot in life….
Eyes closed. Mouth agape. We wonder why our chances are so few and far between for love between two sarcastic people.
Never too serious.
Never too truthful.
Always trying to be oh so clever!
Without admitting that we are both scared..
..because relationships are scary.
They are downright fucking frightening.
Relationships are scary because Paulie Bruce said so
And I have no reason not to believe him.
They are filled with fear and misguided intentions. Two people scared of liking each other so much that they think are spending too much time with the wrong person.
What does it feel like?
What it does it fucking feel like to be in love?
Maybe I got it all wrong in my late twenties to think I could have had it all figured out by now
Real people fight about real shit. Things that actually matter.
Others are just putting words into their mouths when they just want to put their tongues, names, feelings, and dreams in each other.
Why do we fight?
After all it isn’t the years it's the mileage like Indiana Jones said to me once.
My ideal mate may never exist:
Someone who wears custom Doc Martens and Clarks Wallabies.
A woman who spins roots reggae because she understands it inherently, not to exploit it.
A female who sifts through crates of vinyl in record shops and drinks Red Stripe lager.
A person with a skeptical and discriminating ear for any hip-hop made after 1996.
A chick who can throw down on the dance floor something serious.
A girl with an overt leftist political stance
An individual who doesn’t mind the occasional indie rock show that is a pain in the ass to score tickets for.
A bird who will want to learn other languages for the sake of learning them.
and…
I always wanted to date a girl who actually knew who Joe Strummer was.
But I am tired of the fantasy…
the Rob Fleming in me is in the Rob Gordon in me except that I still listen to Tina Turner records wondering how her Buddhism calmed her down…
If my life were a novel no one would ever read it
It looks like it time to re-invent myself again…
- cousin, 25.12.08
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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
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Instant karma's gonna get you...
****************************************
listening to John Lennon sing songs to right past wrongs, Post-it Sticky notes and Japanese winter coats amid Korean cuisine dreams, my cousin has got his finger on the pulse of what needs to change to make a better me...
for this year was a broken year born out of frustration not seeing friends in union, whether matrimonial or musical, i sing a song of renewal and self-sacrifice but the best-laid plans of men and mice are no more than just good intentions if never acted upon..
so many individuals lead lives of quiet desperation, i breathe in through my mouth and cast myself into the fire, swimming until i find my stride, for what is this life if not for thie elusive happiness?
the dream. the desire. to live in a city surrounded by culture. surrounded by friends who to you are the Like the moon and the stars and the sun. they shine on you and you shine on them and grow as a person.
i often miss certain people more than places, the warmth in their eyes, the empathy in their faces, their tell-tale hearts beating in 4/4...
so often that i forget to express my camaraderie in words when i can see them again....and just smile knowingly.
"Instant karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev'ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you're ev'rywhere
Come and get your share
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun "
- j. lennon
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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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....and with my hands under my thighs i swear an oath to be near the things i love the best.
as i rake the coals i try to re-discover what is beneath me and what i am capable of. i can love. yes. i can still love amongst the January embers for as this year draws to a close with its gaping mouth i walk amidst flames. Emotions and explosions the alchemist inside of me dreams of fire and renewal within a moment's breath of yesteryear. The tricolor tongue of crimson, gold,and amber color the night sky with the wind behind my eyes and a song nestled in my memories...
for whatever armor i had before i had to learn to let go for the taste of the days that still burn. and i have learned that a need can run so deep that the only way to end the thirst was to risk it all. With a wineglass in hand i call out into the night illuminated and sing the names of those who i admire most. Standing alongside the choir of flames for they know how i sear, they stand witness to my laughing eyes and dancing heart. For i am cut from a different cloth than others, i wear my heart in my sleeve and my courage in my throat. Through these times of troubles i know i will stay true to myself and live again burning brightly....
"I’ve said it before,
And I’ll say it again.
All fires have to burn alive.
All fires have to burn alive.
From near his heart,
He took a rib.
All fires have to burn alive to live.
From near his heart,
He took a rib.
All fires have to burn alive to live.
So it’s Teresa that I love the best."
- s. krug
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Monday, September 28th, 2009
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i was lovelorn and lost in Egyptland wandering about in a desert cloud too thick for the senses. Pharaoh sent up an impossible sandstorm to bring about confusion in my heart and brain.
I climbed dune after dune rejecting any idea of rescue.
That somehow a pillar of fire was even there…was simply inconceivable.
I could not see it. Yet, I began to falter as I always do.
The world has changed and I had not been accustomed to such things.
For I was too occupied living in the past trying to find a back door of sorts to feel something lost oh so long ago…
I kept fighting the future because Eliminator, Jr. said so,
talking in circles with a logic
that pierced my reasoning as a whole….
Double rainbow appeared in the afternoon sky
amid kickball pick-up games
and ice cream trucks.
It was a covenant of sorts,
but maybe not for me.
For someone else I reckon….
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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
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i want to wake up
and
know where i'm going..
************************************************************************
the waters of my redemption
are nowhere
near
all i am clutching are
fistfuls of
sand
august descends into
autumn
and by the end
i feel worn out
and
unraveled
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me....
If the waters can redeem me
I'm ready...
I'm ready...
i feel older
but not wiser
almost as if
my life were
a
series of chaos
by choice
i lie down in
a loft bed full of
aching emptiness
and with
a weary mind crowded with
restless thoughts
I want to go where the rivers are overflowing and
I'll be ready...
I'll be ready...
a need for better decisions
arises within
me...
it just can't all
end
this way
anti-climatic emotions
i got to
make up my mind somehow
to be a
maladjusted adult
or
an embattled survivor
but for my sake
not feel
entrapped by my own
bitterness...
I want to wake up
I want to know where I'm going
I want to go where the rivers are over-flowing
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready
I'm ready ...
***************************************************************
so...
Save a place for me
oh
Save a space for me...
because i won`t be here that much longer.
oh
save a place for me...
i want to live louder than love
all right...
may i learn to
laugh again
my words and wounds
will heal oh-so slowly
save a place for me..
i want to be a
wonderful man
someday...
*************************************************************
let my love open the door
and i'll be that much
stronger
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those grey morning clouds come out to
greet me
when i walk out of my apartment...
its almost like i want to start
again...
but these circumstances seem to defeat
me when i got more than i bargained
for
kindness becomes hardened
more so than often
whenever
words...our words... are wielded....
you told me your heart is shielded.
i beg for your
pardon
oh...
why do we do this to ourselves?
its like i can stand on the
edge of a knife
forever
and i just don`t like
the taste of it...
no i don`t like the taste of it.
the after-taste
of the choices we make
still haunt me
sometimes.
i know i can do better
but how can i measure?
when the following days
don`t seem so different from the
next
its all tea and theatre
i suppose.
***************************************************************
"I'm getting tired, I'm forgetting why.."
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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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so many songs playing inside my head..
roll over my Japanese loft bed to kill my alarm clock.
that timepiece from Hades itself.
bleary-eyed and sporting a
hairstyle akin to a dilapidated building
i drag myself onto my silver bicycle
white iPod in ears, black sunglasses over aforementioned eyes,
brown-skinned self wearily pedaling to the junior high
wherein lies my livelihood.
its too hot for a necktie, so the japanese office decorum
allows for an open collar to appease the
heat-oppressed
staff & faculty...
********************************
1 more day to japanese summer vacation.
ugh.
i am
melting like a
daifuki
over
here.
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Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
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is it strange? ... feeling that family members are
strangers?
or that i long for
a rare
roundtable
of us meeting together
for non-superficial things....
too many times
its tragedy that brings
us together
but it does not
bind
us
like other
latino families...
*************************************
listening to the National now, is like listening to REM in the 80s, wishing that i could could wrap my arms around the stereo for hours...
la,la,la,la...la,la...
killing time in Japanese offices, missing my vinyl record collection, it takes a forced perspective to look at life through these lens..
i capture kind moments as much as i can with these eyes sunken as a raccoon, prowling around online when i should be making worksheets.
could it be that i miss people. not places? their personalities? their faces? those who are not strangers but with whom i can break bread and not be rebuked..
often times its the elusive memories that get clouded over.
the weight of someone in bed next to you, the feeling of euphoria that comes over you while singing earnestly, the smell of peach blossoms, the sensation of floating on water, the comfort of talking to someone in the dark even though you can`t see their face...
*************************************************************
i can`t see that far, and i can`t feel that near only when cold water splashed on my face can i wake up from such volatile daydreams....
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....what exactly has stolen my joy?
my love of things greater than me has evaporated like alcohol on a barroom floor.
and i have become disaffected again while uncomfortably numb.
...now i am about to embark on a mandated month-long summer vacation with little, if any, fanfare.
****************************************
i take comfort into singing songs aloud with my little iPod by the wayside....
taking trains across Tokyo, the Yamanote Loop into stagnant heartache, i sit there waiting for my stop wishing my life was a Murikami novel instead.
i float through Shibuya and Harajuku on a hot afternoon nameless and lacking identity. drifting through a crowd of fashionistas and tastemakers i wonder how much more time i have to kill in Ibaraki prefecture before i can live again.
i stand bravely in the face of emotional and financial debt to more than one individual or institution.
but knowing that it will never end.
the gnawing sensation that i just don't know...
i just don`t know what to do about it.
but jane says.
that she has never been in love.
and listening to that song about it
thinking about
tomorrow.
i am still thinking about
tomorrow.
i'm going away.
i will get on that silver bird and fly away to
where i can get
my head straight
and
wonder why i wander
around so
aimlessly
**************************
watching New Zealand dramas, avoiding exercise, gorging on pineapple, death by Skype?
Paronychia infections, saltwater, bento boxes, fighting fruit flies on a daily basis....
studying Japanese, text messages in Spanish, teaching English, missing Korean food oh so full of flavor.
hands not held, lips not met, hips not swung, necks not caressed.
i heard my cousin got the fever for a flavor.
but i am the Black Sheep of the the extended family
with my own Addiction.
fantasy films, roots reggae, Doc Martens, fish & chips
these are a few of my favorite things.
and yet.
its so difficult to
share them.
espouse them.
involve them.
metaphors for different women in different times in my different lives.
i feel like i have used these lives all up
in an attempt to
to find
my own
identity.
rambling incoherently yet sober as ever.
i picked a bad time to curb my drinking.
***********************************************
i miss driving cars and seeing shows.
feeling of wind in my hair and high-fiving friends in the first few rows.
the excitement in the air and the sense of union.
all singing.
out of frustration.
out of passion.
out of not enough.
so we are all singing.
i can see it in their eyes.
the love of things greater than themselves...
i miss that post-modern love.
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Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
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sung to the tune of "the end":
today i felt so
cold...
i just wanted your warm body
next to
mine....
these days i feel so
old
just like a empty bottle of
wine...
i just
had to say
with a whisper
despite
everything that
somedays i still miss
her
but...
*********
talking like two adults
never
ever
came naturally
instead
words that leave bruises
and
sores
left an impression on
me
oh. but where do we go from here..?
i just couldn`t measure
the pain. the passion.
or the fear
whether or not
we would fight
and i can`t get this radio
out of my head...
playing songs
that i cherish about my life..
and inside i could never quite decide
how near love and loss hold hands together...
but fear makes them
hold a
knife...but
guitar strings
and
beautiful things
i hear them
deep
into the night....
London calling me home
oh. something tells me it
will get
better.
glory or consequence
it`ll be alright...
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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sometimes i think i will never make it to Japan by March 15th....
its gonna take a fuckin' miracle for me to pull this off.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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chupiwa's journal
